This episode focuses on the topics of forgiveness and reconciliation. Season 6 has focused on how to have healthier, more meaningful and satisfying relationships.
Inevitably relationships between human beings are going to necessitate forgiveness. So, I thought this topic would be an appropriate wrap up to this season of the podcast.
This episode is a guide to what forgiveness is (and what it isn’t), why God commands us to forgive, and how you can do so.
And since the question of whether reconciliation must accompany forgiveness usually comes up, I’ve touched on that as well.
ABOUT THESE SHOW NOTES
I know there may be times when you can’t listen to the audio. So I’ve provided text below with the essential points. Time codes are in the brackets so you can jump to a particular spot if you want to listen to the full explanation.
What Is Forgiveness?
[1:17]
With so many misconceptions about what forgiveness involves, let’s begin by getting clear on what it is and isn’t.
Forgiveness is …
Forgiveness is simply deciding to absorb the loss incurred by the actions of another person instead of demanding and pursuing payback from the other person to give you something to offset the loss.
When you forgive, you set the other person free from your expectation of payment. More importantly, you set yourself free from expecting anything from the other person.
Forgiveness is an internal act of changing your thinking about the other person and the hurt that you experienced so you can let go of the expectation of payback.
Forgiveness is not …
- Pretending you haven’t experienced a loss or hurt
- Excusing the person’s actions
- Condoning the other person’s behavior or decisions
- Cutting off all contact with the person yet still seething and obsessing over the hurt and loss and their role in it
- Letting the person continue to violate your boundaries and cause you harm, or take your time, emotional, physical or intellectual property.
- Dependent upon the other person asking for forgiveness, apologizing or even acknowledging or agreeing with you that they are in the wrong.
- The same as reconciliation or trusting the person.
Why Forgive Someone?
[05:00]
Now that you know what it is and isn’t, let’s tackle why you might want to forgive somebody.
Should Versus Want To
Most Christians default to “I know I’m supposed to forgive because that’s what God commands in the Bible.”
But if our only motivation is “I should because God says so” we miss the true reason why God gives us the command to forgive. Without the why we will likely get stuck. Our efforts to forgive will come from a place of guilt and resentment not from a place of true freedom.
Forgiveness from an attitude of should rather than truly wanting to will be a false forgiveness. And we will miss out on the underlying benefits and purpose of forgiveness
Scriptures Commanding Forgiveness
Forgiveness is commanded by Scripture. Here are a few passages to illustrate that truth.
Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32 Be kind and compassionate to one another,forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. (Ephesians 4:31-32)
Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. Colossians 3:13
“For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses” (Matthew 6:14-15)
“And in anger his master delivered him to the jailers, until he should pay all his debt. So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart” (Matthew 18:34-35).
“Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven” (Matthew 18:21-22).
For Your Own Sake
When you understand that God commands you to forgive primarily for your own sake, it totally changes your motivation to forgive.
In Isaiah 43:24b-25, God explains why He forgives Israel. Israel has damaged God’s reputation with the other nations by not accurately representing His character. They have repeatedly broken God’s heart by rejecting Him and following other gods. Yet He forgives them.
…you have burdened me with your sin and wearied me with your offenses. “I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more.
The same holds true for why God commands us to forgive those who hurt us. Forgive for your own sake.
Benefits of Forgiveness
[09:04]
So what are the benefits we reap when we forgive?
You Be You and Let Them Be Them
You stay in integrity. You get to be the person you truly are and let the other person be who they are.
You don’t let them (and your obsession with them) change how you show up in the world.
You stop trying to control them and make them be someone you want them to be and do what you want them to do
You own your feelings instead of abdicating control of your emotional state to the actions of the other person. This gives you all your power back. You are no longer waiting on the other person to do or say something so you can feel better and get on with your life.
Emotional Benefits of Forgiveness
Demanding and waiting for the other person to do or say something to make you feel differently leads to an unhealthy emotional response. Instead of processing the painful emotions, you react, resist or avoid them.
This can create issues for you like anxiety, depression and relying on coping mechanisms that produce a net negative impact on your mental, emotional and physical health
The forgiveness process allows you to process your feelings the way God designed you to. You feel them all the way through. This allows them to subside.
You stop feeding your brain thoughts that layer on suffering upon suffering and allow yourself to feel, heal and move forward.
Mental Health Benefits of Forgiveness
As you process your emotions you create space for yourself to reconceptualize the circumstance through the lens of a Romans 8:28 mindset.
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
A great example of this is found in Genesis 45:1-15 where Joseph forgives his brothers for having sold him into slavery. Joseph recognizes that the ill intent of the brothers was redeemed and used for his good by God. This perspective enables Joseph to release his brothers from owing him payback.
Joseph forgives them, not out of obligation to God’s command, but because he genuinely wants to forgive them.
He has thoroughly processed his emotions by this point and has changed the meaning he has given to the the event of his brother’s selling him into slavery.
He doesn’t excuse it. He doesn’t deny the pain and suffering he endured, but he chooses to focus his thoughts on the good that God brought from it and will continue to bring from it.
Physical Health Benefits of Forgiveness
When we process our emotions and can change our thinking to create more positive emotions, we actually create physical health benefits for ourselves.
Numerous medical studies now show that forgiveness leads to:
- Reduced stress
- Improved sense of well-being
- Less depression, anxiety and other mental health problems
- Better cardiovascular health (lower heart rates, blood pressure, and better cardiovascular efficiency)
- Better sleep
- A reduction of pain
Relational Benefits of Forgiveness
When we operate from a mindset of unforgiveness we tend to cut ourselves off from relationships that we think might result in a similar offense or hurt.
If the person whose actions led to your hurt was your boss, you may go into new employment situations predisposed to believe “bosses are jerks that hurt people.” Your brain will be continually scanning for evidence to support your belief. This belief bias will inevitably lead to a strained relationship with your boss, regardless of whether the person is actually a jerk or not.
Forgiveness allows us to have a clean slate and choose beliefs that serve us in new relationships.
This is not to say we sail through life naive and gullible. It just means we don’t go through our life jaded, bitter and in victim mode.
How to Forgive Someone
[18:55]
Those are some pretty compelling reasons why we want to forgive.
So how do we actually do it?
5 Step Forgiveness Process
Here is a step-by-step process that when implemented will set you free.
Step 1: Acknowledge the Loss and Your Desire for Payback
Acknowledge that you believe they owe you a repayment for what their actions cost you.
And in cases where repayment is not possible, acknowledge you believe they should incur a cost to themselves commensurate with the loss they caused to you.
Step 2: Recognize the Power & Responsibility God Gives You
Own the reality that your thoughts are creating your negative emotions. This gives you all your power back. As long as you attribute what you are feeling to what the other person does or doesn’t do, you are powerless to feel differently. You will stay stuck.
Allow yourself to feel the emotions you are having. Don’t resist, react or avoid them. Give yourself the space and permission to process your feelings all the way through.
Step 3: Change Your Thoughts
Reconceptualize the circumstance so your thinking about it serves you better.
Don’t deny the reality of the loss, but don’t allow it to be an anchor holding you in this place of suffering either. Look for ways to open yourself up to receive the blessing God will bring to you through it.
When you transform your thinking about the loss, you will create different emotions which will empower you to release your expectations for and of the other person.
Forgiving is an action.
Actions are driven by our emotions.
So what emotional state would enable you to release the other person and turn them over to God for the meting out of justice?
Just keep trying out new thoughts until you find a thought/feeling combo that works. You’ll know you’ve found it when it naturally creates a desire to release your need for payback.
Step 4: Forgive Them
Stop expecting them to make it right.
Release them and the determination of a just outcome to God.
Notice that the action of forgiving them takes place internally within you.
It is not dependent on what the other person does, says or even believes about the situation.
You may or may not communicate your forgiveness to the other person. That is entirely optional and irrelevant for you to experience the benefits of forgiving them.
Also, notice your ability to forgive has nothing to do with whether or not they repent or apologize or do anything.
Step 5: Rinse and Repeat As Needed
Forgiveness is often a process that requires repetition.
Sometimes, we need to repeat steps 1 through 4 because the offense is repeated or the same person hurts us in a different way.
When the offense is repeated, repeat the four steps of the forgiveness process to release yourself from the new entanglement.
However, in this case, expand step 3 to include reviewing your boundaries. Decide if you need to take some proactive measures going forward to protect yourself from additional harmful actions on the other person’s part.
But most often we need to rinse and repeat the forgiveness process because something triggers new thoughts about the person and the original circumstance.
These new thoughts cause us fresh pain and we resume our desire for them to pay for what they did.
This is normal and you’ll be tempted to go down the rabbit hole of either unforgiveness toward the other person or getting upset with yourself for thinking the thoughts.
Don’t.
It’s not useful to beat yourself up if this happens. And it doesn’t serve you to tie yourself to the anchor of unforgiveness again.
Just notice what has happened and repeat the forgiveness process.
Forgiveness vs Reconciliation
[29:29]
And this is a good time to circle back to remind you that forgiveness is NOT the same as reconciliation.
Forgiveness Takes One
Forgiveness is something you do for you. It is an internal process that primarily is for your own sake.
Forgiveness necessitates only your thoughts, feelings, and the action of releasing your expectation that the other person do, say or suffer anything.
Reconciliation Takes Two
What most fuels our resistance to forgiving is that we mistakenly believe that it is the same thing as reconciling with the person.
If we believe the other person will continue to harm us, and if we believe we must be around them in order to forgive them, we will resist forgiving them.
However, forgiveness is NOT the same as reconciliation. And reconciliation is not a requirement of forgiveness.
We can release our expectations of the other person to settle the score and make it right and still choose not to be reconciled with them and allow them access to us.
If someone has not owned their responsibility for their actions and the consequences of those actions, it isn’t prudent for us to pursue reconciliation going forward.
Forgiveness is Past-Focused; Reconciliation is Future-Focused
We forgive what has happened. It is about past actions.
Reconciliation is about future actions and interactions. If the other person still poses a danger to us, it is entirely appropriate to enforce healthy and appropriate boundaries to protect yourself.
Boundaries are self-protection mechanisms. They are what you will do to protect yourself in the event the other person tries to take action that harms what is rightfully within your boundary lines.
Forgiveness actually empowers us to have healthy boundaries. When we are in a state of unforgiveness we are not living with healthy boundaries.
Unforgiveness is abdicating power to the other person to determine our thoughts, feelings and actions — all things God squarely places within your responsibility.
When you forgive, you disentangle yourself from the other person. You take ownership for what is rightfully yours. You own what is yours and you don’t take on what belongs to the other person or give them power and responsibility for what is yours.
Reconciliation is not the same as relationship
Reconciliation is engaging in interaction with the other person. Relationship is thinking about the other person.
Remember, your relationship with the other person takes place entirely in your mind. What you think about the other person IS your relationship with them.
So when you hold a grudge and live in a state of unforgiveness, you are in a relationship with the person. It is a very painful and unhealthy relationship.
Whether you actually physically or verbally interact with the person or not, you are still in a relationship with them when you think about them.
When you forgive them, you change your relationship with them because you have changed your thoughts about them. You can move forward with a healthier relationship because you are thinking healthier thoughts that serve you better.
However, forgiving them does not mean you must reconcile with them or allow them ongoing access to you.
The Role of Trust in Reconciliation
Forgiveness is an act of mercy and grace. It is an action on your part that is unmerited by the actions of the other person.
Trust is an action on your part based on your assessment of the trustworthiness of the other person.
I think Proverbs 22:3 provides us with a good way of looking at how we move forward with trust placed appropriately.
“The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and pay the penalty.”
As prudent people, in whom do we take refuge?
People are inherently untrustworthy. Sooner or later, we will let each other down.
The only logical source of refuge is to place our ultimate trust in God—not ourselves and not other people.
Listen to the words of Psalm 118:6-9:
The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid.
What can mere mortals do to me?
The Lord is with me; he is my helper.
I look in triumph on my enemies.
It is better to take refuge in the Lord
than to trust in humans.
It is better to take refuge in the Lord
than to trust in princes.
The words we find in Psalm 118 are echoed by King David in Psalm 56. David had experienced being betrayed by people he had trusted. And he had betrayed people who had trusted him. David knew that the only truly trustworthy source in which to take refuge was (and is) the Lord.
This ultimate trust in God frees us to trust others.
We can use discernment and wisdom so we don’t trust recklessly. But even the most trustworthy people we will eventually let us down. However, we don’t have to fear trusting someone who fails us just because they are human.
We can love unconditionally and trust others because we don’t place our ultimate well-being their trustworthiness. Instead, we trust God to be at work in all circumstances. We trust that His grace will be sufficient and that His power is show to be perfect in comparison to our weakness. (2 Corinthians 12:9)
I talked more about the concept of trust in Episode 29. There I unpacked 1 Corinthians 13 in which Paul says that love always trusts. Click here to visit the show notes for Episode 29.
Conclusion & Summary
[38:52]
So now you know what forgiveness is: an entirely internal action you take primarily for your own sake to release the other person from any expectation of repayment of the loss you have incurred due to their actions.
And you know what it isn’t: it isn’t excusing, condoning or denying the reality of their actions and the loss you incurred because of their actions.
It isn’t dependent on any current or future action of the other person. And it doesn’t require you to communicate with or have ongoing interactions with the other person.
Forgiveness is done by you and primarily benefits you. You will reap the emotional, mental, and physical benefits of letting go of the expectations you have for and of the other person.
And you now know the process of forgiving someone:
- Acknowledge your desire for justice; for a balancing of accounts
- Own the reality that your thoughts are creating your negative emotions.Recognize and own all the power and responsibility God has given you for your emotions.
- Transform your thinking about the loss so you create different emotions that will drive you to take the action of releasing your expectations for and of the other person. (Review your personal boundaries if appropriate to protect yourself from future harm.)
- Forgive them. Stop expecting them to make it right. Release them and the determination of a just outcome to God.
- Rinse and repeat as needed.
Need Help Applying This To Your Situation?
If you need some help putting this information into action in your own situation, click here book a free discovery session with me. I’ll help you discover how to make all of this real and relevant to your specific situation.
Other Helpful Articles and Resources
I found Matthew Lantz to have a particularly insightful take on the concept of trusting others. Click here to read his article. Here’s a quote from it:
In the messed up and broken relationships between untrustworthy human beings lies the very place where the Gospel is the most relevant and powerful. Where broken trust has destroyed relationships and inflicted pain, there the Gospel gives us hope of rebuilding. When we work to trust others, we are joining in the power of the Gospel that is also working to make all things new.
These articles address the health benefits of forgiveness:
8 Ways Forgiveness Is Good For Your Health (Huffington Post) https://www.huffpost.com/entry/forgiveness-health-benefits_n_6029736
Holding a Grudge Can Be Bad for Your Health (WebMD) https://www.webmd.com/depression/news/20000225/holding-a-grudge-can-be-bad-for-your-health#1
Forgiveness: Your Health Depends on It (Johns Hopkins Medicine) https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/wellness-and-prevention/forgiveness-your-health-depends-on-it
What’s Coming Up…(Changes on the horizon)
[41:43]
This is normally where I will tell you what to look forward to next week.
However, I’ve decided to put the podcast on a brief hiatus so there won’t be a new season beginning right away.
I’m having surgery in Mid May and I also want to finish up my online course and create a new coaching program. I just don’t have the bandwidth to do these activities and simultaneously create new podcast content.
The podcast will return and if you are subscribed to it (on your podcast app or via email) you will get notified as soon as I have a new episode for you.
You’ll also get access to a couple of one-off bonus episodes I will put out during the hiatus between Season 6 and Season 7. Click here to subscribe to updates by email.
I will still be actively engaging with you and all of our SoulSpa Sisters over on Facebook and Instagram. And if you’re on my email list, I’ll be emailing out some goodies to you even when the podcast is on hiatus.
Be sure you have requested one of the free gifts I have for you on the Sample Services page. You’ll get something to help you renew your mind, revitalize your relationships, or restore peace to your anxious soul AND you’ll get on my VIP mailing list so you don’t miss out on any other goodies.
Got Questions? I’ll Get You Answers
You likely have some questions about the process of forgiveness.
I want to invite you to bring all of your questions over to The Oasis, that’s the Agape SoulSpa private Facebook group. Post any questions you have in the group.
Want to submit your question anonymously? Send me a direct message from inside Facebook or click here to email it to me. I’ll post it anonymously for you.
If you have the question, I’m betting someone else does too. So by posting in the group everyone is encouraged and equipped.
I really want to help you implement the concepts in your life so that you can begin to reap the rewards of these principles and strategies and tips that I’m sharing with you.
That’s why I set up our private Facebook group. In there, we can interact with each other. We’re building a community that will support and encourage one another as we start practicing implementing all of this stuff.
So if you’re not already a member, just click here and come join us.
Live Q & A Fridays at 11 am Central
Join me live in The Oasis every Friday morning at 11 Central. And if you can’t attend live for the Q and A, just submit your question ahead of time and then catch the replay whenever it’s convenient for you.
Do you have a burden going on in your life? Would you benefit from some prayer and encouragement around that? Please let us know! The women in this group are so loving and so kind and we have some real prayer warriors who would be happy to intercede for you in prayer.
Come be a part of this special community and I can’t wait to see you over there in The Oasis.
Join Me in The Coach’s Corner Mondays at 9:30 am Central
Dive deeper and learn how to apply the concepts in today’s podcast by joining me in The Coach’s Corner on the Agape SoulSpa Facebook page. This is our public page, you don’t have to join the private group to access this resources.
Typically, I go live and am available to answer your questions live (or if you post them ahead of time). If you aren’t available to join me live on Mondays at 9:30 am you can watch the replay at your convenience.
Want More Confidence & Better Relationships?
Click here and get on the waitlist for my course: Stay in Your Lane.
If the concepts we’ve been covering in Season 6 are resonating with you, you’re going to love this course.
This course is for you if:
- You’re struggling with feeling like you’re enough.
- Your relationships are a constant source of stress, sadness and conflict.
- You regularly second guess yourself. “Maybe I should’ve handled that different. If only I had said (or done) ________.”
If you long for more confidence and more meaningful, satisfying relationships, you’ve got to get on the waitlist for this course.
If you’re on that list, you’ll get notified as soon as enrollment opens and you’ll get a special early-bird discount!
In the podcasts, I’ve told you the what and the why. And we’ve scratched the surface of the how. But if you really want to learn how to implement these concepts in your life, take the course.
I’ll help you understand the concepts we’ve touch on here (plus much more) at a much deeper level.
And I’ll have exercises and coaching that will help you practice the skill of boundary setting in a safe, judgement-free space.
So be sure and click here and get on the waitlist so that you’ll get notified as soon as enrollment opens. (And you’ll get the special discount!)
Special Easter Treat For You
Passion Week Devotional Video Series
Have you checked out this devotional resource that will really enrich your experience of Easter?
My friend, Doctor Wayne Styles (you might remember him from episode 17 of the podcast) has created an amazing three part video series that walks you through the events and places of Jesus’s Passion Week.
Wayne was my guest on episode 17 (The Life-Changing Benefits of Actively Waiting on God). He’s a Bible scholar with extensive experience leading tours of the Holy Land. In these videos he shows you the places Jesus went and the sites that Jesus saw from Palm Sunday through Easter Sunday.
Wayne draws on his vast knowledge of both the Bible and the sites of the Holy Land to provide you with amazing insights that are going to help you answer questions like:
- How do I live a life of authenticity with God?
- How do I keep going when I’ve just blown it with God?
- And how do I start over if I’ve blown it?
These videos are not dry history lessons. They are very moving and practical devotions that will draw you close to Jesus and help you understand the love that God has for you.
This 3-part video series is completely free and I believe it will add so much meaning and power to your Holy Week and Easter worship experience. So click here or on the image above to go watch the first video!