Once you experience the unconditional love God has for you, you might want to know how to love someone unconditionally. The Bible speaks often about loving people who don’t naturally elicit a loving feeling within us.
So, besides mere obedience to God’s command to love others, why would you want to love someone who, in your judgment is unlovely?
Most of us tend to think of unconditional love as an impossible feat limited to Jesus and a few exceptional humans like Mother Teresa.
We tend to think of it as a selfless, noble act we bestow upon another person who is really undeserving. We tend to think of unconditional love as something that benefits the recipient at the expense of the giver.
That sounds really hard.
But what if we are looking at it from the wrong perspective?
In today’s episode, I’m going to share why you and I can love anyone unconditionally and why YOU will actually be the one who derives the most benefit from feeling this unconditional love.
Here’s What You’ll Discover
- What unconditional love is and why you want to feel it
- The 7-step process to feel love someone who is hard to love
- Why unconditional love is not the same thing as unconditional approval
- The benefits you will experience when you love unconditionally
- Why you don’t have to be Jesus (or Mother Teresa) to love unconditionally, but how the Holy Spirit can make it easier for you to do so
ABOUT THESE SHOW NOTES
Time codes are in the brackets so you can jump to a particular spot if you want to review something specific.
And since I know there may be times when you would prefer to read the content rather than listen, I’ve provided text below. It is not an exact transcript but it provides you the essentials.
Different Facets of Unconditional Love
God’s Unconditional Love For You
[4:05]
So let’s jump into our topic for today. Much of what I’ll cover in this episode is built on the foundation I laid in Episode 23 which was called: Stop Trying to Be Worthy. You Already Are! In that episode I explained that there is nothing you can do to increase the love God has for you and nothing you can do to decrease God’s love for you.
So that was about God’s unconditional love for you.
Today, we’re going to tackle the subject of how we can love others unconditionally like God loves us unconditionally.
Unconditional Love as an Action
[4:54]
Another episode I think you’ll find helpful is Episode 29. In that one I explored the whole concept of agape (or divine, unconditional) love through the lens of 1 Corinthians 13 (you know, the “love is patient, love is kind” passage you always hear read at weddings). That passage focuses on love as an action, a way of relating to others. Agape is just the Greek work for this kind of unconditional love.
When you look at those verses in context, you see right away that Paul is not describing love as a feeling, but as actions. Agape love is a balance of both truth and grace and always has the other person’s interest at heart.
So if you haven’t listened to Episodes 23 and Episode 29, or it’s been a while, I recommend you take a listen to those to help you get a more complete understanding of unconditional love.
Unconditional Love as a Feeling
[6:45]
Today we are going to shift our perspective on agape or unconditional love just a bit. Instead of considering it as how God loves you or as an action, we are going to look at the feeling or emotion of unconditional love that can most effectively drive our actions.
First let’s define our terminology.
what is unconditional love
[7:29]
Unconditional love means our love is not conditioned upon the other person thinking, feeling, or doing something. In fact, they may be thinking, feeling or doing something we wholeheartedly disapprove of. But we can still love them.
Unconditional love is rooted in the character and the will of the person who is giving the love, not in the person who is the recipient of it.
But it is also rooted in the truth that every single human on the planet is created in God’s image. As such, that person is 100% loved and valued by God.
Our Creator determines our value, our worth. He has declared we are so loved that we are worth paying the ultimate price for: Jesus laid down his life as a sacrifice to atone for our rejection of and rebellion against God.
Unconditional love is not the same thing as unconditional approval. God doesn’t approve of our rejection and rebellion. He doesn’t condone our sin.
But he doesn’t withdraw his love because we are disobedient, disrespectful, or downright belligerent toward him. He loves us anyway.
That’s the essence of unconditional love.
Is unconditional love possible?
[9:20]
So is it possible to feel love for someone who you really don’t approve of. Someone who gets on your last nerve? Someone who does terrible things?
Well, I submit to you that yes it is. And here’s why.
Love is a feeling. And feelings are created by our thoughts.
Most people believe that their feelings just happen to them as a result of their circumstances. But actually, it is our thoughts about our circumstances that create our feelings.
And the emotion drives our actions.
In Episode 29, I talked about how Paul focuses on actions. I used to think that meant agape love is an act of will not of emotion. I got that half right.
Unconditional love is an act of our will. It is rooted in a conscious decision to love another person. That decision is made in our mind and is a thought. And what I think creates what I feel.
I can decide to obey God’s command to love others as I love myself and still not produce the feeling of love. If I’m thinking about how I “have” to be loving toward someone I don’t like, I’m going to feel emotions more like resentment.
I might love them in a 1 Corinthians 13 kind of way with loving actions, but my heart isn’t in it. That kind of action won’t be sustainable in the long term because of the cognitive dissonance. My thinking and my actions are out of alignment.
Instead, I can choose to think about the person in a way that creates compassion and even love.
An Example of What Not to Do
[12:44]
Let me give you an example from my own life. My boys play football. We live in Texas and high school football here is like a religion. People get really crazy about it and everything associated with it.
Well, this is our sixth year of it and my husband has been on the booster club board for most of those 6 years. It has been like having a second job.
I confess I have become a bit resentful of the time he spends on it. And like most volunteer positions, no matter how much blood, sweat, and tears you pour into it, there’s always someone who is going to be telling you how you did it wrong.
Well one night, this woman who is new to the program, starts in on how she doesn’t like how the board has done this one particular event. She wants it done differently and has some real strong opinions about it. I voiced my different opinion and it kind of got ugly.
Ugly Thoughts, Ugly Feelings, Ugly Actions
[15:50]
And I found myself thinking some really ugly thoughts about this woman. And those thoughts fueled some ugly emotions which fueled some ugly talking.
Long story short, I said some terrible things about this woman and was stewing over how much I disliked her and how she was bashing my husband and my friends.
When I went to my coach and processed this with her, she called me on my BS. She offered me some optional ways of looking at this woman. She put forth some possible scenarios of what might be motivating her comments and desire for the event to be done differently.
I was shocked at how almost immediately I was able to feel compassion for this woman who I had been steaming mad at for days.
Thoughts Are Always the Root Cause of Our Results
[16:41]
Our thoughts are powerful. They are the root cause of the results we get.
As I experienced the difference in how I felt when I began to feel compassion instead of irritation, I realized it felt much better to feel compassion.
The Secret to Loving Unconditionally
[17:20]
That’s the real secret to loving unconditionally. While loving actions benefit the recipient, loving feelings benefit the giver.
We are the only ones who actually feel our feelings. So when I was feeling anger, bitterness, irritation and dislike, I was the one feeling terrible. I wasn’t around her. She had no idea I was feeling all this nasty stuff and she wasn’t affected by my feelings at all. But I sure was. I felt gross.
And I knew that the thoughts I was thinking, the feelings I was feeling and certainly the actions I was taking in talking bad about her …none of that was pleasing to God…none of that was wearing His character…I was not being a good representative of Christ. And that broke my heart and I felt even worse.
Why Choose to Feel Negative Emotions?
[18:29]
So, why are we so quick to choose to feel negative emotions like hate, anger, disgust, irritation, and resentment?
Our world is full of that. If you turn on the news everyone is screaming and fighting with everyone else. We’ve lost the art of disagreeing on an issue without demonizing the person we disagree with.
And everyone blames everyone else. It’s rare these days to hear someone take responsibility for themselves, their decisions and the consequences of those decisions.
The Fruit of an Unmanaged Mind
[19:20]
When we operate with an unmanaged mind and allow our knee jerk reactions to run the emotional show, we end up making a jackass of ourselves. That’s exactly what I did that night at the booster club meeting.
When we live with an unmanaged mind, we tear down relationships instead of giving them a chance to grow.
And we feel terrible in the process. And we reap terrible results.
Manuals Breed Conditional Love
[19:50]
When we have manuals for how other people should behave so we can feel good, we immediately put conditions on loving them.
That’s what I was doing with the woman in the booster club.
My manual was that people should be grateful for all the time and effort Matt and the other board members invest in the program. They should thank them not complain.
I also had some other thoughts about why the event should be the way it is not the way she wanted it.
All of it was manuals for the other people. Conditions I was mentally putting on them in order for me to like them.
I hadn’t even considered that I could love them unconditionally.
But when my coach took me through the exercise of seeing the woman from a different perspective, I felt so different.
When I reminded myself that people get to think, do and say whatever they want. I don’t have to like it. I don’t have to agree with them. I don’t have to condone their behavior.
But I can still choose to see them as person created in the image of God. I can choose to feel love toward them.
Love Always Produces the Best Fruit
[21:34]
Love is always going to be the best choice. It will always drive the kind of actions that please and honor God. Love always bears good fruit.
So if we have the option to feel any way we want at any time, why not actively choose to feel love?
Emotional adults own that it is their choice how they feel (because it is their thoughts that create the feeling). Emotional adults don’t buy the idea that the other person made them feel the way they feel by how that person acted or what they believe.
Emotional adults don’t flip out and blame others for how they think, feel or act.
Why Choose Love?
[22:52]
So at this point you might be thinking, okay, I get that I create my feelings with my thoughts. But if I don’t like this person and what they stand for, why would I choose to feel love for them?
Love may seem like a stretch. Why not just try to shoot for feeling neutral about them instead of negative? Well, that’s a great question.
You Are The Primary Beneficiary of Your Emotions
[23:18]
Why settle for neutral when you’re the beneficiary of feeling the feeling.
The other person doesn’t know what you’re thinking or feeling unless you tell them or show them with your actions.
Why not give yourself the gift of managing your mind and thinking intentionally so as to allow yourself to feel the best feeling in the who spectrum of emotions: love.
When you don’t think intentionally and you stew in negative emotions, you’re denying yourself that feeling. And guess what? You’re the only one feeling the hate, the negativity or the resentment. The other person doesn’t feel that. You do.
I Feel My Feelings, You Feel Yours
[24:15]
My booster club lady feels her feelings. I feel mine. Now, my hateful actions and words become her circumstance about which she gets to have a thought.
She can choose to think, “What an idiot” and not give me another thought. Or she can choose to think thoughts that make her feel terrible.
Our feelings are each our own responsibility. And we have the whole spectrum to choose from. So why not choose thoughts that create the feeling of love no matter what the other person thinks, feels, or does.
Does this take effort. Sure. It requires you to manage your mind. You must decide to think intentionally and proactively instead of reactively. It requires you to take responsibility for your emotions and and your actions and the results those actions create. It takes effort. But it is totally possible for us.
God Gives Us The Ability to Manage Our Thoughts
[25:40]
And that’s why God can ask that of us. Jesus tells us to love our enemies. So he must believe we have the ability to do that.
Tap Into the Power of the Holy Spirit
[25:55]
As believers, we don’t have to just rely on our own power. We have to take responsibility for ourselves, but we can tap into the power and ability of the Holy Spirit who resides within us.
God always loves. And He is living in you waiting for you to seek His help.
Our weakness provides a showcase for God’s strength. (see 2 Corinthians 12:9)
Do you not yet believe you can choose to think thoughts that will create love? Then pray and ask the Holy Spirit to show you how to see and think about the person in a way that will create the feelings of love and compassion.
He will bring things to mind. He will show you new facets, new perspectives. He will give you opportunities to manage your mind differently.
Who is Your Hard to Love Person?
[27:09]
Who do you have in your life that is difficult for you to love?
Ask God to help you see how you can think differently about them. What thoughts could you begin to think about them that would create the feeling of love for them?
Ask God to show you what conditions you are putting on this person for you to love them. Then decide to drop the manual you have for them and just let them be who they are.
Accept them for who they are and how they think, feel and behave. And love them.
Remember, acceptance is not the same as approval. You don’t have to agree with them or condone their behavior or beliefs. You can simply accept them for who they are and love them anyway.
That’s unconditional love and it actually feels incredible.
When Resistance Comes Up in You
[28:16]
Explore your resistance to this concept. What is coming up for you?
Is it because you don’t want someone you don’t approve of to benefit from your emotions.
Do you secretly (or maybe not so secretly) want them to have to pay, to suffer?
Do you want them held accountable for their actions, maybe?
You can still have boundaries, you can still desire justice. But you can do all that while choosing to feel love for the person.
You will feel better and and the feeling of love will drive you to show up as the kind of person you want to be.
If you are managing your mind and feeling love, you’ll be a lot less likely to make an ass of yourself like I did.
Find a Reason to Love Them
[29:48]
Find a reason to love your hard to love person. Even, if at first, it is just so you can feel the amazing feeling of love.
Step-by-step process to feel unconditional love
[30:00]
- Think about someone who is really difficult for you to love.
- Pray for them (not that they get what’s coming to them, or for them to change so you don’t have to put forth effort to love them, but truly for them to be blessed).
- Pray for God to show you a reason (or two, or a bunch) you can love them.
- Write out the reasons you find them difficult to love. Get all your conditions out on paper so you can take a look at what you are using as reasons for not feeling love.
- Consider what it would feel like to just love them no matter what. Remind yourself that you are the primary beneficiary of your emotion. The other person benefits only from your loving actions should you choose to engage in those. They do not feel your feeling of love. Only you feel it.
- Practice some thoughts that create the feeling of love for the person and just experiment with thinking those thoughts, creating the feeling of love and then see how you show up.
- Assess your result. Do you like that version of you better? Do you like the result you get when you feel love versus the result you get when you are seething and full of negative thoughts and emotions?
It’s totally up to you how you want to think and feel about this person. Just be sure you like the reason for your thoughts and the results they give you.
And here’s the kicker… once you practice loving this difficult to love person and you get good at doing that with them, I invite you to take on the ultimate challenge.
Do that same exercise with yourself! Offer yourself the amazing gift of loving yourself unconditionally! It will radically change your experience of life for the good.
Want Help Implementing This Process?
I’d love to do for you what my coach did for me. I’d love to help you implement this process so you can feel the wonderful experience of loving unconditionally someone who is currently triggering you.
Click here and book a discovery session. In this session, you can tell me about your hard to love person, what your current experience is like, and we can make a plan for getting you to a place of love and compassion so you can show up the way you truly want to show up.
Got Questions? I’ll Get You Answers
You likely have some questions about the concept of loving someone unconditionally.
I want to invite you to bring all of your questions over to The Oasis, that’s the Agape SoulSpa private Facebook group. Post any questions you have in the group.
Want to submit your question anonymously? Send me a direct message from inside Facebook or click here to email it to me. I’ll post it anonymously for you. If you have the question, I’m betting someone else does too. So by posting in the group everyone is encouraged and equipped.
I really want to help you implement the concepts in your life so that you can begin to reap the rewards of these principles and strategies and tips that I’m sharing with you.
That’s why I set up our private Facebook group. In there, we can interact with each other. We’re building a community that will support and encourage one another as we start practicing implementing all of this stuff.
So if you’re not already a member, just click here and come join us.
Live Q & A Fridays at 11 am Central
Join me live in The Oasis every Friday morning at 11 Central. And if you can’t attend live for the Q and A, just submit your question ahead of time and then catch the replay whenever it’s convenient for you.
Do you have a burden going on in your life? Would you benefit from some prayer and encouragement around that? Please let us know! The women in this group are so loving and so kind and we have some real prayer warriors who would be happy to intercede for you in prayer.
Come be a part of this special community and I can’t wait to see you over there in The Oasis.
Join Me in The Coach’s Corner Mondays at 9:30 am Central
Dive deeper and learn how to apply the concepts in today’s podcast by joining me in The Coach’s Corner on the Agape SoulSpa Facebook page. This is our public page, you don’t have to join the private group to access this resources.
Typically, I go live and am available to answer your questions live (or if you post them ahead of time). If you aren’t available to join me live on Mondays at 9:30 am you can watch the replay at your convenience.
Want More Confidence & Better Relationships?
Click here and get on the waitlist for my course: Stay in Your Lane.
If the concepts we’ve been covering in Season 6 are resonating with you, you’re going to love this course.
This course is for you if:
- You’re struggling with feeling like you’re enough.
- Your relationships are a constant source of stress, sadness and conflict.
- You regularly second guess yourself. “Maybe I should’ve handled that different. If only I had said (or done) ________.”
If you long for more confidence and more meaningful, satisfying relationships, you’ve got to get on the waitlist for this course.
If you’re on that list, you’ll get notified as soon as enrollment opens and you’ll get a special early-bird discount!
In the podcasts, I’ve told you the what and the why. And we’ve scratched the surface of the how. But if you really want to learn how to implement these concepts in your life, take the course.
I’ll help you understand the concepts we’ve touch on here (plus much more) at a much deeper level.
And I’ll have exercises and coaching that will help you practice the skill of boundary setting in a safe, judgement-free space.
So be sure and click here and get on the waitlist so that you’ll get notified as soon as enrollment opens. (And you’ll get the special discount!)
Next Week: Forgiveness and Trust
Next week join me for an episode all about forgiveness and trust. If you’ve been let down or hurt and you’re wrestling with the concept of forgiving the person who hurt you or trying to decide whether or not you can trust someone, this is the episode for you my friends.
Subscribe & Review
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Special Easter Treat For You
Passion Week Devotional Video Series
But before we dive into our topic for the day, I have a special treat for you. Holy Week and Easter are just right around the corner and I want to let you know about a special devotional resource that will really enrich your experience of Easter.
My friend, Doctor Wayne Styles (you might remember him from episode 17 of the podcast) has created an amazing three part video series that walks you through the events and places of Jesus’s Passion Week.
Wayne was my guest on episode 17 (The Life-Changing Benefits of Actively Waiting on God). He’s a Bible scholar with extensive experience leading tours of the Holy Land. In these videos he shows you the places Jesus went and the sites that Jesus saw from Palm Sunday through Easter Sunday.
Wayne draws on his vast knowledge of both the Bible and the sites of the Holy Land to provide you with amazing insights that are going to help you answer questions like:
- How do I live a life of authenticity with God?
- How do I keep going when I’ve just blown it with God?
- And how do I start over if I’ve blown it?
These videos are not dry history lessons. They are very moving and practical devotions that will draw you close to Jesus and help you understand the love that God has for you.
This 3-part video series is completely free and I believe it will add so much meaning and power to your Holy Week and Easter worship experience. I’ve already watched the first one and I’m really looking forward to watching the rest of the series. So click here or on the image above to go watch the first video!