Misunderstandings and misconceptions about boundaries in relationships are one of the biggest causes for pain and suffering in our relationships.

Today I’m sharing with you highlights of what I’ve learned about godly boundaries over the past thirty years of intense study and practice of this skill.

If you’ve ever wondered what boundaries are, why they’re important, and whether or not they are biblical, you’re in the right place.

Here’s What You’ll Discover

• What boundaries are and why they prevent chaos, promote peace, and help us thrive
• The 5 major areas of your life around which God intends for you to set healthy boundaries and why
• Why it’s important for us to honor our own boundaries (I share an example from my own life to illustrate how we can violate our own boundaries because of sneaky little thoughts)
• A super simple template you can use to communicate your boundary and how you’ll protect yourself in the event it’s trespassed
• The truth about several common misconceptions many people have about the purpose of boundaries

ABOUT THESE SHOW NOTES

Time codes are in the brackets so you can jump to a particular spot if you want to review something specific.

And since I know there may be times when you would prefer to read the content rather than listen, I’ve provided an edited transcript below.

How a Crossed Boundary Almost Killed Me

[0:30]

in 2012 I almost didn’t make it home from a women’s retreat where I had been the keynote speaker. On the drive home, I was enjoying the scenery of the beautiful Texas hill country and reflecting on what a wonderful time I had had with all of the women that weekend. As I started up a hill, a truck topped it coming right at me in my lane. And this wasn’t a tiny truck. This was a BIG truck! I had to swerve off the road to avoid a head on collision.

Thankfully I was able to get out of his way without severely losing control of my car in the gravel on the shoulder of the road. I was able to recover and get back in my lane and get home safely. However, that close call could have been a disaster—all because that truck driver didn’t stay in his own lane.

Why “Stay In Your Lane” Is Such Great Advice

This terrifying event is a great illustration of the importance of boundaries. Those yellow lines on the pavement represented the boundary of where that guy’s lane ended and my lane began.

As long as we both stay in our own lane, everything’s fine. We can both safely enjoy our journey. But when the lines are crossed, the consequences can create chaos in our life.

Same Principle Applies to Personal Boundaries

And the same principle is true when it comes to our personal boundaries. I am super passionate about this topic. The life transformation I experienced from learning how to establish and enforce healthy boundaries is second only to the change I underwent when I placed my faith in Christ.

My Story of Transformation

I was first introduced to the concept of healthy boundaries through a class that I took at church way back when I was in my mid twenties. Before this, I not only didn’t know how to set appropriate limits, I didn’t even know you were supposed to.

The concept that I could say no was completely foreign to me. It blew my mind to learn about situations in which it was not only okay for me to set limits, but that God actually expected me to set some for my good and for the good of the other person involved.

Instead, I took responsibility for things that were other people’s to shoulder. And I let other people control things of mine when I never should have.

So needless to say, my life was a hot mess and I was in chronic stress and virtually all of my relationships were unhealthy to one degree or another.

But when I learned the concept of godly boundary setting and began practicing this skill, my relationships began to thrive.

I began to live authentically as the person that God created me to be. I began to do the things He called me to do instead of constantly chasing after the approval of all the humans around me.

And because I was being more honest and authentic, my relationships deepened and I was able to show up for people and for myself in a far more effective way.

Now that’s because boundaries empower us to be faithful stewards of what God has entrusted to us and to others.

A proper understanding of boundaries keeps us from trampling over someone else and what God has given them responsibility for.

Misunderstandings and misconceptions about boundaries are one of the biggest causes for pain and suffering in our relationships.

In this podcast episode, I’m sharing with you some highlights I’ve learned about this concept of boundaries over the past 30 years of intense study and practice of this skill.

Special Easter Treat For You

Passion Week Devotional Video Series

But before we dive into our topic for the day, I have a special treat for you. Holy Week and Easter are just right around the corner and I want to let you know about a special devotional resource that will really enrich your experience of Easter.

My friend, Doctor Wayne Styles (you might remember him from episode 17 of the podcast) has created an amazing three part video series that walks you through the events and places of Jesus’s Passion Week.

Wayne was my guest on episode 17 (The Life-Changing Benefits of Actively Waiting on God). He’s a Bible scholar with extensive experience leading tours of the Holy Land.  In these videos he shows you the places Jesus went and the sites that Jesus saw from Palm Sunday through Easter Sunday.

Wayne draws on his vast knowledge of both the Bible and the sites of the Holy Land to provide you with amazing insights that are going to help you answer questions like:

• How do I live a life of authenticity with God?
• How do I keep going when I’ve just blown it with God?
• And how do I start over if I’ve blown it?

These videos are not dry history lessons. They are very moving and practical devotions that will draw you close to Jesus and help you understand the love that God has for you.

This 3-part video series is completely free and I believe it will add so much meaning and power to your Holy Week and Easter worship experience. I’ve already watched the first one and I’m really looking forward to watching the rest of the series. So click here or on the image above to go watch the first video!

Now, back to boundaries…

What Are Boundaries?

[8:12]

My little story about the truck crossing over into my lane, already illustrated how boundaries are like those lanes on the pavement or like a property line around your yard and your house. Boundaries define where something begins and where something ends.

Personal Boundaries Define You & Yours

[08:33]

And personal boundaries work in exactly the same way only they aren’t always as visible or obvious as those double yellow lines on the pavement.

Your personal boundaries define you and yours—what God has given you authority over or designed you to be responsible for.

So let’s look at what you and yours includes. There are both physical, visible components as well as more abstract invisible areas.

Your Body

[09:10]

Let’s start with the easiest type of boundary: the one that defines your body. Your skin is a visible boundary that establishes where you begin in a physical sense. You might think of your skin as like the fence around your yard. It’s a visible physical boundary that clearly establishes what belongs to you (and therefore what you are responsible for managing). In this case, that’s your body.

Now let’s look at some less tangible areas around which you have personal boundaries.

Your Thoughts

[09:54]

Your thoughts are an example of one of these less tangible, more abstract aspects of what is you and yours. This area of authority includes what you think, in other words, those sentences that are constantly running through your mind. It also includes your beliefs.

Beliefs are thoughts that we have run through our mind repeatedly to the point that they have become ingrained in our subconscious mind.

Our beliefs run the vast majority of our decision making processes. And therefore, our beliefs create the outward results in our life. If you want to know what someone really believes, don’t listen to their words, look at their life.

And our beliefs on a variety of subjects combine to form our personal values. Personal values guide our decisions throughout our day.

Our thoughts, beliefs, values and choices are all part of this realm of our thoughts.

Another component within the realm of your thought life is your attitude and mood. This is kind of where the realm of your thoughts and the next realm we’re going to talk about (your emotions) begin to overlap.

So just to recap, here’s what’s included in this area. You’re responsible for your thoughts, beliefs, values, decisions, attitudes and moods.

Your Feelings

[11:36]

And that brings us to the next area: your feelings. Your emotions are not created (despite what most people think) by what other people think, say, or do. They’re created by your thoughts.

So that means that you get to determine what you will feel in any given circumstance. And that’s why God says you’re responsible for your emotions.

Desire is an emotion. It’s a feeling. And because of that, God gives you responsibility for what you desire and what you do with that desire.

And urges are also a feeling. Urge is a word I use to describe like an intense desire that’s combined with a sense of urgency. And guess what? You’re responsible for setting some boundaries around those, too.

This is an area where I myself still have to practice my boundaries with myself when it comes to my urge to eat when I get stressed.

All right, that’s a good segue into one of the more visible realms over which you have responsibility and around which you’ll set boundaries, and that is your actions.

Your Actions

[12:47]

God gives you both the authority and the responsibility to decide how you behave, what you do, and what you say.

For example, I’m really working hard on setting some personal boundaries around what I will eat and when I will eat. I’m developing the habit of making a food plan and sticking to it. Those are all examples of boundaries around my actions.

So when someone offers me food that isn’t on my plan, I don’t want to violate my boundary around that. Honoring my boundary in this area would involve me saying no thank you to food if it’s off my protocol or I’m not hungry.

The boundary itself is a mental construct and thus invisible, but it relates to my actions which are visible.

Your Resources

[13:47]

Another area that involves both the visible and invisible is the realm of your resources. By resources I mean the other things over which God has given you authority and responsibility. Your resources include your time, energy, money, your physical possessions, talent, spiritual gifts, and so forth.

Some of those are abstract concepts like your time and energy. While others are more tangible and visible like your money or your possessions. Regardless, it’s crucial that you understand those kinds of resources are part of the you and yours for which you need to have clear boundaries.

How To Establish Your Boundaries

[15:05]

Once you understand what makes up you and yours, you’ll want to determine what and whom you’re going to allow with regard to those realms and under what conditions.

For example, you get to decide who can and cannot touch your body and in what ways and under what conditions. Just because your Uncle Fred is a hugger, that doesn’t mean he gets to hug you without your permission. You get to decide if it’s okay with you. And so that’s a boundary you have to set.

My Soap Box Moment: Don’t Force Kids to Hug or Kiss Someone

[15:41]

It’s so important not to force little kids to let Aunt Frieda, for example, give them a hug or a kiss. When a kid shrinks back from physical contact with someone and you insist that they allow it, you teach them they don’t have authority over their own body.

When I was little, I was sexually abused. I never knew I had a right to say no to allowing someone else access to my body. This distorted boundary wrecked all kinds of havoc in my life throughout my childhood, my teens, and really into my early twenties when I finally learned about boundaries.

So I am a stickler for asking the little kids in my life for permission to hug, hold or kiss them. I’ll say something like, “Hey, is it okay if I give you a hug?” If they say no, I respect that because it’s super important to me to honor their boundary. I want to honor and reinforce that it is their right to decide who gets to come in contact with them.

How You Determine Your Boundaries and When They’re Disregarded

[16:57]

Now that you have an idea of these areas over which you’re responsible and have authority, I want to invite you to spend some time getting clear in your own mind where your line is for each one of these.

Are there some areas where maybe you’re taking responsibility for things that are actually someone else’s responsibility? For example, see if you catch yourself telling someone how they should feel about something, that’s you trying to exercise authority over their feelings.

Or, are you relinquishing control of something when you are supposed to exercise authority over it?

My Chik Fil A Story
(An Example of Sneaky Ways We Violate Our Own Boundaries)

The other night my husband, Matt, and I were at Chic Fil A ordering a meal to take home for our son, Justin. Justin only drinks water but it’s cheaper to order the combo meal with a drink than it is to just order a sandwich and fries. So Matt suggested, “Hey, why don’t you get whatever drink you’re going to get you and we’ll just have that be part of Justin’s combo.”

And so even though I was planning to get water, I ordered unsweet iced tea. I felt the resentment begin to rise up in me as I drank the tea I didn’t want. And that was my signal that my boundary had been crossed.

While it would be tempting to say, Matt strayed into my lane regarding the drink choice, that wouldn’t be true. Matt had merely made a suggestion. I I abdicated my responsibility to make my choice. I was the one who breached my boundary that I am responsible for my decisions.

My emotion (resentment) brought my attention to my action and my thoughts so I could see what had truly happened.

Even after 30 years of practicing and understanding healthy boundaries, I’m still susceptible to seeking the approval of Matt to the point that I was willing to not maintain my boundary of me being responsible for what I desire and making my own decision.

When I didn’t drink the tea, Matt asked, “Why’d you get the tea if you didn’t want to drink it?” The honest answer is because I didn’t respect my own boundary. I was more concerned about what Matt wanted than what I needed in that instance.

This illustrates how boundary breaches show up in sneaky ways. It happens when we don’t have clear boundaries and/or we’re not respecting our own boundaries or the boundaries of someone else.

A Lack of Clear Boundaries Leads to Problems

[20:18]

When you are unclear about your lane markers, so to speak, you can have a tendency to drift out of your own lane and let others drift into yours.

When that happens, you and others around you will experience negative emotions or stress or pain.

If this weaving in and out of lanes continues on a regular basis, don’t be surprised by the creation of unhealthy patterns in your relationships. And you’ll probably notice you’re taking actions or making decisions that don’t serve you well.

Why & When to Establish Boundaries

[20:56]

This concept of “lane drifting” and all the negative consequences it brings is why  we need to establish healthy boundaries and, when necessary, communicate or enforce our personal boundaries. It’s also why we need to be respectful of the personal boundaries of ourselves and of other people.

As my illustration of the drink ordering debacle illustrates, we need to respect our own boundaries just as much as we need to respect the boundaries of others. We need to have our own back in those situations.

Appropriate boundaries help us exercise good stewardship over what God has placed within our realm of responsibility. They also create an environment in which relationships and the people involved in those relationships can thrive. These good things are the fruit of healthy boundaries which protect from harm or trespass or inappropriate attempts to control.

When I know and respect my own boundaries, they help me recognize when:

• I’m not operating in integrity with myself,
• I’m not taking responsibility for what’s mine,
• I’m going into blame mode or victim mode, instead of owning my own decisions.

Healthy boundaries help me have my own back instead of throwing myself under the bus to try and make someone else happy. And they prevent me from trying to exercise control over what rightfully is within the realm of someone else.

Boundaries Promote Self-Control Not Other-Control

[22:28]

One of the biggest fears people have about setting boundaries is that boundaries are selfish. And this myth stems from the misconception that having boundaries is about trying to control other people.

Boundaries are all about you exercising good stewardship over you and your stuff. They are not about controlling others and their stuff.

When people don’t understand this, then they think that setting boundaries is about saying no all the time and thus not being available to help others.

A Biblical Illustration of Boundary Problems

[23:25]

One of the absolute best examples (at least in my humble opinion) of boundaries in the Bible is Paul’s letter to the Galatians. This whole letter is written to address a big old boundary violation happening in the churches in Galatia.

The new believers there had really fuzzy, unclear boundaries around what they believed. This lack of clarity left them vulnerable to legalistic interlopers from Jerusalem.

These visitors were trying to undo the work that Paul had done in spreading the Gospel which had freed the believers from trying to achieve salvation through their works. The religious leaders from Jerusalem insisted these new Christians must continue to observe all of the ritual laws of Judaism to be saved.

Paul wrote the letter to remind the Galatian believers that they needed to stand firm in their belief that they were saved by what Christ did on their behalf on the cross, not by the observance of the law.

Notice the main boundary violation taking place is both a physical breach and an abstract breach. The physical boundary was crossed when these outsiders came uninvited into the geographical and physical space of the Galatians churches. And there was also some clear lane crossing in the more abstract realms of the thoughts, feelings, and actions of those of those Galatians believers.

So the boundary violators were using intimidation, manipulation and misinformation to try and control the thoughts, feelings, and actions of the Galatian believers. And the Galatians contributed to the lande crossing by their own lack of clarity and willingness to protect and enforce their boundaries.

Carry Your Own Load and Help Others Carry Their Burdens

[25:26]

So I want to tie all of this back into the common fear of and misconceptions about the boundaries. Many people shy away from this topic because of the belief that boundaries conflict with our calling to sacrificially love other people.

In Paul’s letter to the Philippians, he said,

“Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.”

Now, a lot of people will take that verse out of context and they’ll twist it around to mean you’re supposed to put others before yourself in every circumstance.

Jesus said we are to love others as we love ourselves (Matthew 22:39). We want to, in some cases, put others’ needs before our own. But how we do that with without becoming like an enabling doormat?

That’s where boundaries come into play. In chapter six of Galatians, Paul provides a fantastic guideline for knowing when is it appropriate to put others’ needs before our own.

Paul told the Galatians that, as believers in Christ, we are called to bear one another’s burdens, but that we’re also each called to carry our own load.

What’s the Difference Between a Burden and a Load?

[27:25]

This is a key distinction that’s going to help you know where to set your boundaries in so many different circumstances.

These terms that Paul used related to the shipping industry back in his day and they describe the capacity of a cargo ship.

A load is what a ship was designed to carry safely. Whereas a burden was the term that was used for a dangerous amount of cargo that could cause the boat to capsize and sink.

If you’ve ever watched the show Deadliest Catch, then you’re going to have a good visual in your head of these two terms.

In that show about crab fishermen in the Bering Sea, the captains stress how important it is to have the right amount of crab pots on the boat. If they have too many it could capsize the boat. And the right amount depends on many different factors.

Sometimes they’ll get storms which cause ice to build up on the boat and the crab pots stacked on the deck. In that case, the crew must get out there with their sledge hammers and knocking the ice off. If they allow the ice to build up on their boat, the extra weight can make it capsize. The boat will become burdened by the ice or extra pots and sink.

Paul says we’re to carry our own load. By that he means we are responsible for managing that which we are designed by God to carry (our body, thoughts, feelings, actions, and resources).

But when we see someone who’s got a burden too heavy for them to be able to carry on their own, that’s when we’re supposed to come in and help them bear that burden.

Our load is comprised of those areas that we talked about earlier. It’s our body, thoughts, feelings, actions, and our resources like our time, finances, possessions, talents and so forth.

And a burden occurs when something happens that overwhelms our capacity to effectively and safely manage those aspects of our life.

For example, if we become ill or injured we may not be able to shoulder our load like we normally would be able to.

What in a normal circumstance would be our load now becomes a burden. That’s when the other members of the body of Christ are there to help us manage that extra weight until we’re able to carry it on our own again.

So a burden is something that we are unable to manage on our own. Now notice I said unable, not unwilling. That’s a key distinction.

And that’s an important way to determine whether you’re really needed to come in and help or whether someone else is just shirking their load off onto you.

Boundaries define the load and who’s responsible for it.

Boundaries never prevent us from sacrificially loving someone and helping them shoulder an overwhelming burden.

Clarity about what constitutes a healthy boundary increases one’s awareness of when a situation is a legit burden and calls for you to offer assistance.

Now again, notice the word that I used there: offer to help someone with their burden.

Boundaries are not about controlling someone else and their load or even their burden. Even in a case of someone with a burden, it’s still theirs. It’s their burden. They get to decide if they want your help.

Everyone Has Free Will

[32:01]

God has given each one of us free will and he respects our free will. So that’s a significant indication we do well to respect the free will of everyone around us.

Each one of us gets to think, feel, and do with our load and our burdens, whatever we decide to do.

Boundaries are about you protecting you and not about you controlling other people.

And understanding that actually helps bring us to our next part…

When and How to Set a Boundary?

[32:35]

So there’s actually two main parts to this.

First, you need to figure out your boundaries in your own mind.

Then you can communicate them to others as needed. So let’s look at each one of those steps.

Step 1: Establish Your Boundaries For Yourself First

[32:51]

First, spend some time learning about and reflecting on what is you and yours. Then for each aspect of that decide what will you tolerate and what you won’t. What do you expect of yourself and how you want to manage your load?

What do you want to do with your load? What are you’re okay with others doing as a part of that? Basically, you need to get clear in your own mind about where your lines are with regard to your body, thoughts, feelings, actions, and resources.

Clarity Creates Confidence

[33:26]

When you’re clear about what your boundaries are, you show up with more confidence and you’re very clear to yourself and to others what you will and won’t tolerate. You make choices proactively about the kind of people and circumstances you’re going to expose yourself to.

Without clear boundaries in your own mind, you’ll give off mixed signals to yourself and others. Living with fuzzy, ill-defined boundaries is like driving without lane markers. Sooner or later, someone will drift into someone else’s lane.

When you know yourself and your boundaries, you know what your load is. Clarity about you and your load, heads off a lot of boundary problems without you ever needing to go to step two.

Tips to Define Your Boundaries

[34:16]

If you’re not sure about your boundaries, I recommend you pay attention to your emotions. As I said in episode 36 our emotions are both indicators and drivers. They indicate what we’re thinking and they drive our actions.

If you pay attention to your emotions, you’re going to notice when you feel resentment, shame, anger, fear, loneliness, frustration, or overwhelmed. These types of negative emotions serve as good clues you may have a boundary that your or someone else has crossed.

Examine your thoughts. They are what created the feeling. The thought will likely reveal the boundary violation. This will make you aware of a belief and boundary you have which you might not have consciously realized was there.

Your emotions drive your actions. So also pay attention to your actions. They can also help you recognize boundaries you have that maybe you’re not even aware of and violations that are occurring that you might not even recognize in the moment.

That’s what happened with me at Chik Fil A. The action of me ordering a drink that I actually didn’t want prompted me look at the thoughts that led to that action.

When I examined my thoughts I saw they were about me wanting Matt’s approval more than I wanted to stay in integrity with my own plans for what I would drink.

This action, and the resentment I felt in response to it, reminded me of my boundary: I don’t make decisions to please others at the expense of my own needs.

So really pay attention to your emotions and your actions. They can help increase your awareness of what your boundaries actually are.

Also, pay attention when you’re experiencing a high level of dissatisfaction in a relationship.

Ask yourself, “Does my dissatisfaction stem from having allowed something that I shouldn’t have?” Identify your thoughts about the specific circumstance. That’s going to help you get clarity about the boundaries you have in this area.

Or, ask yourself, “Am I desiring more intimacy or togetherness with this other person?” Or maybe, “Am I avoiding another person?” Then do a thought download (write down your thoughts) and review what you wrote.

What do you need to take responsibility for? What are you asking or expecting another person to be responsible for that’s really not their responsibility?

What is someone asking or expecting you to carry that they can and should be carrying themselves?

Self-coaching like this can really help you get some clarity around what your boundaries actually are.

Step 2: Communicate Your Boundary

[43:22]

The second step with setting boundaries is to be able to communicate your boundary.

You tell others your boundary only as needed. It’s not necessary, for example, for me to tell everybody I meet, “Hey, if you hit me, I’m gonna leave and call the police.”

Or, in a less extreme example, let’s say I’m planning to meet my friend Susie for coffee. I don’t need to preemptively tell her, “If you’re more than 15 minutes late, I’m just going to leave and get on about my day.”

I only need to tell Susie my boundary about not wasting time if Susie is habitually late. If she has been really late, or if she stood me up in the past, or if Susie has a reputation for being late, then I can communicate my boundary.

I can let her know I have a boundary about my time by telling her, “If you’re more than 15 minutes late, I’ll assume you’re not coming and I’ll leave.”

Then, I don’t have to sit there and spin out in a bunch of mind drama about Susie not being on time. I give her that 15 minutes to get there and if she’s not there, I can just get up and go.

I don’t have to have a whole bunch of drama about whether or not me leaving is going to upset her or hurt her feelings. Because remember, Susie’s feelings are hers to own. That’s part of her load. And so are her actions. She’s responsible for hers and I’m responsible for mine.

The Simple Template for Communicating Your Boundary

[39:36]

So how do you communicate the boundary when you need to? Here’s a super simple little template you can use.

“If you do X, I’ll do Y.”

There are two parts to this template. There’s the notification and the consequence.

The “If you do x” phrase is the notification. This just lets the person know what action of theirs would be a violation of your boundary.

Here’s some examples of the notification part:

• If you’re late…
• If you show up to my office unannounced…
• If you scream at me…
• If you hit me…

All of those are notifications of what you would consider a boundary violation.

The “I will do y” is the consequence. This simply communicates what you will do to protect yourself or what is yours.

Examples of consequence phrases might be:

• I will leave without you.
• I will not answer the door.
• I will go into another room.
• I will call the police.

So when you put the two parts together, you get the full sentence and that lets the person know what the violation is and what you’ll do to protect yourself in the event your boundary is crossed.

• If you’re late, I’ll leave without you.
• If you show up unannounced to my office, I won’t answer the door.
• If you scream at me, I’ll go into another room and shut the door.
• If you hit me, I’ll call the police.

You communicate the boundary violation and the consequence you’re going to put into place when a trespass occurs. And in some cases, like if someone hits you, you can just skip notifying them that they violated your boundary and you can just go straight to taking the action you need to to protect yourself.

You don’t need to rationalize or justify your boundary. You can just let them know, “Hey, if you do x, I will do y.”

Of course it’s fine if you want to state your boundary and then give them the, “if you do x, then I’ll do y.” So for example, “Hey, I value my time. So if you’re not ready to go at the time we agreed, I’m just going to go ahead and leave and you can come on behind me whenever you’re ready.”

Use “I” Statements Rather than “You” Statements

A boundary is about you and yours and what you will do and what you won’t do or what you will tolerate and what you won’t tolerate. Because of that, it’s most effectively communicated with this little, “If you do X, I will do Y” template.

Setting a boundary isn’t the same as telling the other person what they can or cannot do.

Remember, you don’t get to tell anyone else what what they can and can’t do. They have free will and can do whatever they want to. And you have free will and can use that to protect yourself.

Notice the difference between the two approaches.

“I don’t tolerate people screaming at me. So if you yell at me again, I’m just going to leave.”

Versus

“You can’t scream at me or I’m going to leave” or “Hey, you can’t scream at me.”

Actually, they can scream at you. You just don’t have to to listen to them.

That’s why the the “You can’t do X” is ineffective. You simply can’t control whether or not the other person does X.

You can only control what you will do if they do x.

It’s Essential to Follow Through on Consequences

[43:42]

Your boundaries are only as effective as your willingness to follow through on the consequence part.

Without a willingness to do what you say you will do in the event of a violation, you don’t have an effective boundary. You only have wishful thinking.

So carefully consider what you are actually willing to do to protect yourself. Don’t communicate a consequence you’re not willing or able to follow through on.

Your consequence has to be something that you can and will do. You must be able to take that action and you must be willing to take the action.

So that means the consequence can’t be something the other person will have to do or not get to do. Because remember they get to do whatever they decide they want to do it.

Now if you’re thinking, “But wait a minute, what about me as a parent grounding my kid from TV or something?” remember, that’s not a boundary. That would be setting an expectation.

In Episode 38, I explained the difference between:

• having a manual for another person
• setting an expectation
• setting and enforcing a boundary

If you want to review that, click here to visit the show notes page for Episode 38, Healthy Relationships 101.

Got Questions? I’ll Get You Answers

[45:32]

Whew! Okay, that was a ton of information I just threw at you rapid fire all about boundaries.

So I fully expect that you’ve got some questions about this topic.

I want to invite you to bring all of your questions over to The Oasis, that’s the Agape SoulSpa private Facebook group. Post any questions you have in the group.

Want to submit your question anonymously? Send me a direct message from inside Facebook or click here to email it to me. I’ll post it anonymously for you. If you have the question, I’m betting someone else does too. So by posting in the group everyone is encouraged and equipped.

I really want to help you implement the concepts in your life so that you can begin to reap the rewards of these principles and strategies and tips that I’m sharing with you.

That’s why I set up our private Facebook group. In there, we can interact with each other. We’re building a community that will support and encourage one another as we start practicing implementing all of this stuff.

So if you’re not already a member, just click here and come join us.

Join me live in The Oasis every Friday morning at 11 Central. And if you can’t attend live for the Q and A, just submit your question ahead of time and then catch the replay whenever it’s convenient for you.

Do you have a burden going on in your life? Would you benefit from some prayer and encouragement around that? Please let us know! The women in this group are so loving and so kind and we have some real prayer warriors who would be happy to intercede for you in prayer.

Come be a part of this special community and I can’t wait to see you over there in The Oasis.

Want to Learn More About Boundaries?

Click here and get on the waitlist for my course. If you’re on that list, you’ll get notified as soon as enrollment opens and you’ll get a special early-bird discount!

In this episode, I’ve told you the what and the why. But if you really want to get into the how, take the course.

I’ll help you understand the concepts we’ve touch on here (plus much more) at a much deeper level.

And I’ll have exercises and coaching that will help you practice the skill of boundary setting in a safe space. So be sure and click here and get on the waitlist so that you’ll get notified as soon as enrollment opens.

Next Week: Learn How to Love Unconditionally

Most people think that only Jesus and Mother Teresa have the capacity to love others unconditionally. But that is so not true.

Be sure and join me next week to discover how you can give yourself the gift of loving anyone and everyone without conditions.

And I’m working on a couple of bonus episodes that I’m going to have ready soon. You’re going to need to be subscribed to the podcast in order to catch those.

Subscribe & Review

Are you subscribed to my podcast? If you’re not, I want to encourage you to do that today. I don’t want you to miss an episode. I’ll be publishing bonus episodes from time to time and if you’re not subscribed there’s a good chance you’ll miss out on those. Click here to subscribe!

And if you feel like showing me a little love, I would be really grateful if you left me a review over on iTunes (this is where I pick my Listener Spotlight reviews) or in whatever app you listen in. Not sure how? Click here and I’ll walk you through it step by step!