In this episode, you’ll discover the foundation for how to build healthy relationships. I’ll be using what Jesus said were the greatest commandments as our foundation for three steps to healthier relationships in all areas of your life. So if you want stronger relationships with God, yourself and others, you’re in the right place.
Be sure and get the free Scripture meditation download and check out the links to many more free resources to help you in your quest to more meaningful connections.
Oh yeah, and prepare to have your mind blown! The main concept I teach about what our relationships actually are is going to rock your world and set you free from thinking you need others to get on board with your relationship reboot.
ABOUT THESE SHOW NOTES
Since I know there may be times when you would prefer to read the content rather than listen, I’ve provided text below. It is not an exact transcript but it provides you the essentials.
And time codes for the audio are in the brackets so you can jump to a particular spot if you want to review something specific.
Are You the Common Denominator?
[0:40]
When I was in my teens and twenties my relationships were a hot mess. And I’m talking all of my relationships: family, friendships, romantic relationships, work relationships, every single relationship had drama, stress, and dysfunction. And they all left me feeling drained and pretty miserable.
Back then, I thought the problem was the other people. If only they would be nicer, be more attentive, have more integrity, …
But, eventually, I figured out the common denominator in all these unhealthy relationships was me.
Funny thing, when I began cleaning up my relationship with God and my relationship with myself the health of all of my other relationships improved.
I was able to start showing up in a way that made authentic, healthy relationships possible. I was able to love others better because I was loving from a place of fullness and not a place of neediness.
So my relationships began to get better and better. And when conflicts or problems did arise, I had effective tools for navigating that.
What the Bible Says About Healthy Relationships
[02:41]
It makes total sense that my relationships with others improved when my relationship with God and myself got healthier…especially in light of what Jesus had to say about relationships.
Jesus said the whole Law and the Prophets (in other words, the entire revealed will of God for how we are to live our lives) could be summed up as:
Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the greatest commandment. The second is like it, ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ On these two commandments depend the whole Law and the Prophets. (Matthew 22:36-40)
How to Prioritize Working On Your Relationships
[03:42]
Now most people hear Jesus’ words and extrapolate from that our relationship with God is of first importance and our relationship with others is second.
But I think if you pay attention to what Jesus said, you find that He actually is saying there are three relationships we need to tend to and they need to be prioritized in the following order:
- Your relationship with God
- Your relationship with yourself
- Your relationship with other people
Jesus made it perfectly clear that our relationship with God is of first importance. That’s the first commandment.
But notice that the second commandment calls you to love others as you love yourself.
Why We Need to Love Ourselves Before We Can Love Others
[05:06]
If your relationship with yourself is dysfunctional and filled with self-loathing, criticism, and judgment, that’s how you will relate to other people.
If your relationship with yourself is one of compassion, integrity, and love, that is how you will relate with others.
When we don’t see that we have intrinsic value as a human being created in the image of God and valued by God (not for what we do but just because we exist and are His creation), we probably won’t recognize that others have intrinsic worth either.
When we look externally for value and worth will try to establish that through counterfeit (external) means like:
- Accomplishments
- Material things or money
- Validation or approval of other people (social proof)
But when we rightly understand the love God has for us and the value He places on us… while our act was not cleaned up; while we were in full rebellion against him, while we doubted him, cursed him, even. He still loved us…
Don’t believe me, go to the Scriptures and God will confirm it. Take a look at Romans 5:8.
When we really get it that God loves us because he loves us. When we believe He loves us because of who He is and what He does, not because of what we do, we can begin to look inward and upward (instead of outward) to establish our value as a person.
We can begin to love ourselves because we know we are loved by God. And knowing how much we are loved by God we will respond by loving God with all our heart, soul, mind and strength.
With these two relationships — relationship with God and relationship with self — healthy we are able to love others from a place of wholeness and confident humility. We are no longer coming to our relationships with others in a needy, graspy attitude of what can you do for me to make me feel loved and happy.
We are able to show up and just love them. We don’t have to fear rejection or get upset if they aren’t behaving in ways that we think they should. We can love them anyway.
But we can only do this when we rightly manage our minds.
What Relationships Actually Are
[10:15]
Relationships really boil down to our thoughts. Think about this…
The relationship we have with God is through faith. When we believe that our rebellion broke relationship with God and that in Christ our relationship is made whole again, we are saved. We are saved from alienation from God. We are rescued to a life-giving, life-sustaining relationship with God.
This belief changes how we think about ourselves. So our relationship with God is how we think (or believe) about Him.
And how we think about ourselves is what constitutes our relationship with ourselves.
Christ-Given Confidence Changes How We Show Up
[11:33]
When we understanding that we are now made whole and united with God through Christ, this belief gives us a beautiful sense of confidence and peace.
Not pride, because we know that it is by God’s grace and mercy that we are restored. We are loved by God and restored to wholeness because of His love, grace and mercy. There is no room for pride or self-righteousness because we know our righteousness is a gift from God, not by our works.
So our confidence is at once unshakeable and completely humble. We see ourselves as loved and whole.
When we believe that about ourselves it transforms how we show up with other people. And it positions us to think differently about those other people in our life.
Why You Don’t Need Them to Change To Have a Better Relationship
[13:08]
And just like our relationship with God is our thoughts about God. And our relationship with ourselves is our thoughts about ourselves.
Our relationships with others is comprised of our thoughts about those people.
It’s not what they do, how they feel about us, or even how they view the relationship with us. Heck, it isn’t even dependent on someone being alive. Our relationship with them takes place in our thoughts about them.
And that’s great news. Because if you want a better relationship with someone and your relationship is your thoughts about that person, you can think whatever you want to about them. Regardless of what they think about you. Regardless of how they behave. And regardless of how they feel towards you.
Why The Quality of Your Relationships Has Such a Big Impact on The Quality of Your Life
[14:53]
Relationships are so integral to our life. and the quality of our relationships has such a big impact on the quality of our life because God created humans to be relational beings.
This is an aspect of our being created in the image of God.
God is relational. In the Trinity, God is three persons in relationship eternally.
Because God created us in His image and as relational beings, we have an innate desire and need to connect with God and with others.
That is a beautiful and wonderful thing.
What Causes Problems in Our Relationships With Other People
[15:58]
It only becomes a problem for us when we start thinking we need other people to behave in certain ways so that we can feel loved and feel a certain way.
This mindset leads us to think we can only love people if they behave in certain ways or feel about us like we feel about them. Or, we can only feel loved by them if they behave in certain ways.
When we think about relationships that way, we go from relating with unconditional love flowing from a state of wholeness like God relates, to relating with a very conditional love flowing out of a place of neediness.
3 Steps to Healthier Relationships
[17:03]
So if you want healthy relationships, that is totally available to you right now regardless of what anyone else thinks or does, or even if the person you want to have a better relationship with is not even still alive.
Essentially, there are three steps to healthier relationships.
Get Your Relationship With God Squared Away
[17:50]
When you are right with God, and you are regularly interacting with him through the Scriptures, prayer, and worship, you are going to grow in your belief that He loves and values you just as you are.
Resources For Improving Your Relationship with God
If you don’t yet have a personal relationship with Jesus, click here to learn more about that foundational step.
And if you want to improve your relationship with Christ, these free resources can help:
Episode 2: 4 Simple Ways to Connect with Jesus in Your Busy Life
Get my step-by-step guide “How to Strengthen Your Relationship with Christ.” This worksheet will walk you through a simple assessment of where you’re at with your connection to Christ. Then, use the included list of my favorite resources to take your relationship to the next level. Click here to request your free copy.
Clean Up Your Relationship With Yourself
[18:56]
Remember, our relationship consists of our thoughts about the person with whom we have the relationship. So, if you want to know the health of your relationship with yourself, ask yourself the following questions. I recommend writing down your responses so you can reflect on them.
What are your thoughts about yourself?
How does thinking about yourself like that make you feel?
When you think and feel that way about yourself, how do you show up in your life and in your relationships?
Do you like your answers? And more importantly, do you like the results those thoughts, feelings and actions are producing in your life?
If not, clean up your thinking about yourself. I can help you with that.
Resources For Improving Your Relationship with Yourself
Here are a few other podcast episodes and free resources that might help you relate with yourself with more love and compassion.
Click the links below to jump to the show notes pages for these helpful podcast episodes:
Episode 1: Kiss Perfectionism Good-bye!
Episode 15: 3 Factors that Can Prevent You from Being Who You Really Are
Episode 16: Victim or Survivor? You Choose!
Episode 19: How Busy is Too Busy?
Episode 20: Emotional Adulting
Episode 21: A Beginner’s Guide to Self-Care
Episode 23: Stop Trying to Be Worthy You Already Are!
Episode 33: Have You Put Your Childish Ways Behind You? How Emotional Immaturity Keeps You Stuck
Episode 34: How Even a Perfectionist Can Make Peace with Failure
Check out the library of past Coach’s Corner and Live Q & A Videos. Click here to visit The Oasis where you’ll find that archive. If you aren’t yet a member of this private Facebook group, just request membership, answer the three simple questions, and I’ll green light you into the group.
This free series of Scripture meditations (both audio and written) will help you explore:
- Who Christ is and the extent of His love for you!
- Your identity as God’s adopted and redeemed child.
- The unshakeable security that is yours in Christ.
- The abilities God empowers you with.
- The qualities and circumstances you enjoy in the family of God.
- And so much more that you may not even realize is yours.
Click here and tell me where to email the series to you absolutely free.
Want results without having to sift through all those resources on your own?
Then book a coaching session with me.
I’ll show you how coaching can help you manage your mind, let go of limiting beliefs, and learn strategies and tools that can transform your relationships. Click here to learn more and book a time on my calendar.
Next Week: Why Good Christians Set Healthy Boundaries
Please join me next week for an in-depth look at why good Christians set healthy boundaries. The concept and skill of boundary setting is second only to placing my faith in Christ in terms of changing my life.
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Live Q & A Opportunities
Have a wonderful week and don’t forget to join me for the Live Q & A opportunities. I love to interact with you. The podcast is a one-way monologue but these FB Lives allow us to actually dialogue with one another.
The Oasis Live Q & A
On Fridays at 11 am Central, I go live inside our private Facebook group, The Oasis, to answer your questions about this (or any topic). Click here to request membership in The Oasis, our private Facebook group.
The Coach’s Corner
On Mondays at 9:30 am Central I go live on the public Agape Soul Spa Facebook page and take the topic of the podcast a bit deeper and help you apply it to your life. And you can post any questions you have about that topic (or any other) in the comments and get some help with your challenge. Click here to visit the Agape Soul Spa Facebook Page.
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