In God’s Word, we are consistently encouraged to be child like in our faith, in our ability to trust God, to believe that in God all things are possible. But the Scriptures also consistently admonish us not to be childish in the way we think, feel and behave.

When we abdicate our responsibility for our thoughts, feelings, and actions and go with a “you made me” approach we are functioning as emotional children.

In today’s episode, I’m going to help you understand this concept of emotional childhood and how to put your childish ways behind you and live as an emotional adult so your relationships can thrive, you can accomplish your goals, and you can show up as the best version of yourself in any situation no matter how awkward or uncomfortable.

ABOUT THESE SHOW NOTES

Time codes are in the brackets so you can jump to a particular spot if you want to review something specific. 

And since I know there may be times when you would prefer to read the content rather than listen, I’ve provided text below. It is not an exact transcript but it provides you the essentials.

What is emotional childhood

[0:30]

The prefrontal cortex is not fully developed until about age 25.

When our prefrontal cortex isn’t engaged, we rely on our more primitive brain, the amygdala. This is the part of the brain that is more emotional, handles conditioned/habitual/instinctual responses, and is motivated by instant gratification.

Since children and teens don’t have a fully developed prefrontal cortex it makes sense that they think the circumstances around them are causing them to feel and act. They lack the mature brain’s ability to evaluate their own thinking and how it is what is driving their responses to their circumstances.

And our cultural conditioning encourages us to blame others or give others the power to cause us to think, feel and act in certain ways. “Don’t say that, you’ll hurt their feelings.” or “Did they hurt your feelings?”

Kids and teens don’t have the capacity to make the distinction but as adults with fully formed brains, we do.

But if we don’t know how, we abdicate our God-given ability to take responsibility for our feelings (thoughts  and actions) and function as an emotional child.

Struggle with This? You’re Not Alone

[8:01]

Everyone struggles to manage and own their emotions and the actions those feelings drive. It’s natural to try and shift the blame.

And blaming others for how we feel and what we do has been an issue from the beginning.

We’re studying Genesis 1-11 over in The Oasis. (Come join us! Click here to visit the group.) While preparing for that, I was fascinated to see this concept on display in Genesis 3.

Adam blamed Eve (and even had the audacity to blame God). Eve blamed the serpent. (Click here to read Genesis 3)

But God didn’t buy the blame game. He held each party responsible for their actions. He knew that each one chose their own thoughts, feelings and actions.

The action of eating the forbidden fruit was driven by a feeling of desire and that desire was created by the thought, “I want to be like God, knowing good and evil.”

If you struggle in this area and tend to default into blaming others when you do things you aren’t proud of or if you expect others to make you happy, it’s most likely because you haven’t been  taught how to manage your thoughts and feelings.

We don’t have classes in school or get lessons from our parents about how our thoughts create our feelings and those feelings drive our actions which give us our results.

Our culture right now is overflowing with adults functioning as emotional children. The airwaves and social media are overflowing with people blaming their lot in life on:

• the government,
• the economy,
• bosses,
• friends,
• family,
• co-workers,
• TV shows,
• songs,
• everybody and their brother.

How to Recognize Emotional Childhood

[11:27]

People who operate in a state of emotional childhood act out their emotions in ways similar to a child:

• Throw a fit
• Have a tantrum
• Rage (road rage, anyone?)
• Yes you did/no I didn’t exchanges
• “It’s all your fault, I hate you!” followed by slammed doors or cold shoulder treatment

But it doesn’t always show up in easily recognizable ways like that. Sometimes emotional childhood looks more subtle.

When we expect other people in our lives to make us feel a particular feeling we’ve slipped into childish ways. It’s not anyone else’s job to make you happy or make you feel appreciated. And when we think it is their job, we will try to control others so they’ll do things the way we want so we can feel the way we want to feel.

That is all a manifestation of emotional immaturity.

And this issue is so rampant in our world today that emotional immaturity is considered normal.

Why this is a terrible way to live

[13:55]

When you fail to take responsibility for your feelings, you will be constantly out of control. You give control of yourself away to other people or your own intense desire for instant gratification.

Owning our ability to choose our thoughts and therefore how we will experience our lives and the results we will get in our lives, is a much more empowering approach.

You will be in control of how you experience your circumstances and the results you get.

A Romans 12 Approach to Emotional maturity

[14:45]

In Romans 12, Paul devotes a whole chapter to this topic. He points out we have a responsibility to exercise our God-given ability to use our minds to manage how we show up in the world.

Paul even equates how we show up as a form of spiritual service. And it all starts with what is going on and into our minds.

How we think determines how we relate to others, exercise our gifts and blessings, and handle adversity.

If it’s been a while since you’ve read this chapter, it’s worth a refresher. Click here to read Romans 12 on BibleGateway.com.

When you take responsibility for the pain and the joy you feel you engage your rational brain. You decide how you want to feel and show up in the world. Then you organize your thoughts to create that experience.

You don’t operate from the expectation that it is someone else’s job to meet your needs and “make you happy”

You don’t look to external sources for your identity and security. You look in and up for that.

Looking up to God, your Creator is totally different than looking out to other people or circumstances. God is always faithful. He is unchanging. He is a constant.

And yet notice, God gives you complete freedom and responsibility for how you will relate with Him. So in reality, going to God for your identity is an internal decision as it involves choosing what you will believe and in whom you’ll place your trust.

The Effort is Worth It

[17:30]

This isn’t easy. We are going against the grain of our cultural conditioning. 

But it is worth the effort to develop emotional and spiritual maturity.

You’ll no longer live at the mercy of other people and their thoughts, words and actions.

You’ll be able to put your childish ways behind you and love and live as God created you to.

What’s At Stake

[18:29]

If you continue to conform to your cultural conditioning and abdicate personal responsibility your relationships and the impact you’re able to effect in the world will suffer.

Instead, if you exercise good stewardship over your own thoughts you create the feeling you want to experience. You behave how you want to behave and get the results you want to get.

Your relationships will thrive and your results will improve with regard to goals and projects you’re working on.

So, practice taking responsibility for your thoughts, feelings and actions and let everyone else be responsible for theirs.

Practice and Progress

[20:14]

You won’t do it perfectly. Everyone slips into emotional childhood from time to time.

When you do, have compassion on yourself. Don’t beat yourself up.

Just acknowledge what’s happening and make an adjustment in your thinking.

For example, when I first started working with my coach and it came time to create my food protocol and keep a food journal, I rebelled. I became an emotional 2 year old and was like, “You can’t make me.”

My coach helped me see what I was doing and the result it would get me.

I was able to have compassion on myself and look at my choices with fascination and curiosity instead of condemnation. And I stepped back into my emotional adult and took responsibility for how I was thinking, feeling and behaving as it related to food.

The more you practice the better you’ll get. You’ll increase your awareness of when you are slipping back into emotional childhood.You’ll get quicker at taking responsibility for yourself as soon as you catch it. And you’ll slip less and less and live more and more as an emotional adult.

And the better you are at putting your childish ways behind you, the better you will get at living and loving well.

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Next Week on the podcast:

transform your experience of failure

Next time, we will be addressing how to change how you think and feel when you fail. For perfectionists like me, failure is horrifying. And our fear of it keeps us from taking risks and putting ourselves out in the world in big, impactful ways. Discover how to see failure as just one step closer to success. Listen to next week’s episode. And be sure you’re subscribed to the podcast so you don’t miss it!

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Listener shout out of the week!

I want to spotlight one of my listeners’ reviews on iTunes. Today I want to give Jennifer Aiken a shout out. She’s a member of The Oasis, our private Facebook group where we take our discussion to the next level, and encourage and support one another. And she has been in a couple of my local Bible studies. I just love her!

Here’s what Jennifer had to say about the podcast:

Yep, I embrace my inner Bible nerd. And Jennifer, I’m so glad you enjoy that aspect of me. Thank you so much for you tuning in and being a loyal listener. I appreciate you taking the time to let me know by leaving me a review on iTunes.