You really want to keep your New Year’s resolutions and reach the goal you set for yourself. Maybe you want to reduce your debt, lose weight, exercise more or read your Bible more consistently. But, as temptations crop up, you’re finding it harder and harder to stick to your plan.
Maybe you’ve been able to white knuckle your way through the urge to whip out the credit card and buy something new, swing through Starbucks for a latte, or skip the workout you had planned, or watch a show on Netflix instead of complete that next chapter of your Bible study.
But willpower will only get you so far. You have a limited amount of it. Besides, just gutting it out and fighting the craving leaves you exhausted and even more susceptible to temptation. And if you do cave in, you might be engaging in some serious self-condemnation.
“Why can’t I just have more self-control.” “I’m such a failure, I’m never going to get this right.” “What’s wrong with me!?” “I might as well just give up and quit now.”
Nothing is wrong with you!!! You are NOT a failure! And you can master your cravings without depending on willpower.
In this episode, I’m going to equip you to understand what your urge really is, why you’re having it, and how to allow it rather than resist it or give in to it.
After you listen to the episode your mind will be renewed knowing you’re not broken because you’re experiencing these episodes as uncomfortable and unpleasant. Your brain is working exactly like God designed it to.
You’ll quit beating yourself up and learn to have compassion for yourself (even if you do give in every once in a while). You’re going to find those urges get less frequent and less intense when you put into practice the skill I’m going to teach you.
ABOUT THESE SHOW NOTES
Time codes are in the brackets so you can jump to a particular spot if you want to review something specific. (NOTE: I’ll have these up by the end of the day. I did’t want to hold up publishing just for this.)
And since I know there may be times when you would prefer to read the content rather than listen, I’ve provided text below. It is not an exact transcript but it provides you the essentials.
WHAT’S GOING ON WHEN YOU’RE TEMPTED
[1:30]
You want that long-term result, but you are plagued by the in the moment temptations. That is normal and to be expected. It doesn’t mean something is wrong with you.
Whenever we try to change a deeply ingrained habit or pattern of thinking, we will experience strong urges to fall back into our old ways.
People who don’t hold the same beliefs about your particular vice may make comments like, “It’s easy, just don’t do that.” They think it is easy because, for them, it is. It’s easy because they don’t have the thoughts you do. Therefore they aren’t experiencing the feelings that are driving the actions.
For example, I’m working on changing my eating habits so I can lose weight. And having little Miss Skinny-Minnie who has no struggles with her weight tell me, “It’s not hard, just don’t eat if you’re not hungry…” makes my head spin.
I’m sorry, but I want to take Skinny-Minnie’s slender little neck in my hands and throttle her.
But as much as I hate to admit it, Skinny-Minnie is right. Weight loss involves simple actions. Just put the fork down. Don’t eat the cupcake. It’s not complicated. So why is it so hard?
IF IT’S SIMPLE WHY IS IT SO HARD?
[2:36]
What’s hard is not knowing what we are supposed to do. And in most cases, the action we are supposed to do is not difficult in and of itself. (For example, window shop but don’t buy anything. Go to the birthday party and don’t eat cake. Not exactly rocket science, is it?)
What’s hard is dealing with the thoughts and feelings that are the reason I started doing the action in the first place. In my case, I’m going to food for distraction from those unpleasant thoughts and feelings.
Whatever habits you’re trying to change, I’m betting you aren’t struggling with knowing what to do and what not to do. That’s probably not the part tripping you up.
Rather, you’re likely getting tripped up by temptations because you don’t know how to manage the cravings, the feelings and thoughts that come up.
Those thoughts and feelings that originally prompted you to start doing whatever it is you’re now trying to stop (or vice versa) hit and BAM you have the urge to do the thing you’re trying to stop doing.
Changing mental and physical habits we’ve been practicing for decades is hard because we started doing those things to distract us from dealing with all the thoughts and feelings that come up when we don’t do those things.
White knuckling our way past those cravings with willpower is exhausting and usually only effective in the short term, if at all.
In this episode, I’m going to teach you a much better way to handle those seemingly irresistible urges to give in to temptation. And once you get than hang of the concepts in this episode you’ll be able to:
- Recognize an urge for what it is (a conditioned response of intense desire).
- Allow the urge without giving in to it and without relying on willpower and resistance.
- Make forward progress toward your goals in spite of temptations.
- Recondition your brain so the urge fades in strength over time.
ENDING THE DOWNWARD SPIRAL OF DEFEAT
[7:35]
For most of us, when we slip up and give in to our temptations, it begins a downward spiral of beating ourselves up and convincing ourselves we are a failure.
And we do this self-defeating behavior until we give up and quit on our goal.
And quitting just proves us right about being a failure… which makes us feel even worse about ourselves.
That, my friend, ends today!
Nothing is wrong with you because you are having cravings. You are totally normal. And if you’re finding it difficult to not give in, you just need to learn the skill I’m teaching you about today.
This is the skill of allowing an urge.
WHAT’S HAPPENING WHEN YOU’RE TEMPTED
[8:20]
An urge (or temptation) is simply a desire caused by what you are thinking. It may be intense and uncomfortable but it is simply a feeling of desire. And because it is created by what you’re thinking, you can control it by changing your thinking.
An urge rewarded will grow stronger. And the more episodes of rewarding the urge, the stronger the urge will become. Repetition of the thought/reward cycle creates a strong neural pathway in our brain. And the decision and thinking related to this repetitive cycle gets delegated to the unconscious, primitive brain.
This is why if feels like you are being compelled to take the action against your own will. But you aren’t. You have authority over your thoughts—even your unconscious ones.
You’ve probably heard of Pavlov’s dogs. These dogs were conditioned to drool and want food whenever a bell was rung.
The conditioned response was created by ringing a bell then giving the dogs food. When the cycle was repeated over and over, eventually the sound of the bell caused the dogs to drool even when no food was present.
Our cravings are created in exactly the same way. For example, I have a pattern of snacking while watching the TV with Matt in the evenings. I’ve snacked while watching TV for so long that it is now an unconscious desire.
Consciously, I want to break that habit so I can lose weight. However, despite not wanting to snack, whenever I sit down to watch TV, an urge to snack is triggered (even when I am not physically hungry).
Urges are unconscious thinking patterns but they are caused by our thoughts none-the-less. An urge is simply an intense feeling of desire.
3 POSSIBLE RESPONSES TO AN URGE
[11:24]
When the craving hits us, we can react in three possible ways. Two of these will not be helpful to accomplishing our goals and creating permanent change in our thinking, feeling, action cycle. If we want to get our desired result, we need to learn to respond correctly to the urge.
RESIST THE URGE WITH WILLPOWER
[11:40]
You summon all your willpower and fight the craving. This is like trying to hold a beach ball underwater. It takes strength and effort, both of which are limited. Eventually our ability to fight is sapped and up pops the ball.
Willpower is limited and as we fight against the urge, the intensity of the temptation increases. “What we resist persists.” Resisting the desire and beating ourselves up for having it in the first place only lengthens the battle.
Having the expectation that you can change long-held patterns of thinking/feeling/action without having any discomfort and desire to continue thinking/feeling/doing what you’ve been doing is denying reality.
The desire is exactly what our brains are designed to produce in this situation. Your brain is functioning perfectly. There is nothing wrong with you because you have the desire.
Fighting the desire doesn’t solve the underlying cause of the feeling. And it doesn’t address the thought/feeling combo you’re trying to avoid with the behavior you are now trying to change.
In the past, you engaged in the behavior you now want to change because it gave you the payoff of putting a buffer between you and a thought or feeling you didn’t want to experience. But over time, the buffering behavior gave you a net negative result.
For example, I eat when I feel stressed, bored, or sad. In the moment, eating distracts me. But long term it has a negative impact on my health and quality of life.
Trying to change my behavior means I will have the urge to eat in those circumstances. If I fight or resist the craving it gets stronger and the episode of temptation last longer.
GIVE IN TO THE URGE
[14:26]
Our second option is to respond by giving in. While this feels the best in the moment, there are several serious drawbacks to this approach.
Everytime we reward the urge by giving in, we make it stronger. Literally, we reinforce and strengthen the neural pathway in our brain making it harder to resist next time.
Like resistance, this approach also fails to deal with the underlying problem that initially created the pattern of behavior we now want to avoid. We just continue to buffer over those thoughts and feelings and not address them.
The reliance on this external buffer makes us dependant on something external to soothe an internal problem. We will never solve an internal problem with an external solution.
ALLOW THE URGE WITHOUT REWARDING IT
[16:39]
So, what’s a gal to do when faced with this intense desire? Our best option is to allow it and not take the bait.
Allowing an urge is a very different experience than resisting. When we allow, we just acknowledge the desire but we don’t act on it.
Urges come from our primitive brain which is tasked with habitual decisions and tasks. This is why it feels as if we are wanting something against our own will. But while the thought may be unconscious, it is still a thought.
By activating our higher brain (the prefrontal cortex) we can observe our experience and increase our conscious awareness of the thought causing the craving in the first place.
Processing an urge involves observing how we experience it. What are you feeling and thinking? What triggered these thoughts and feelings?
Ideally, you can run some Models on it and bring awareness to the effect your thoughts are having on your experience. (Not sure what The Model is? Click here to check out Episode 1 of the Coach’s Corner. Or, download this free step-by-step guide to coaching yourself using The Model.)
Remind yourself in the moment (because it is going to feel sucky in the moment) that this is just a strong feeling. It will pass and it can’t hurt you. It just feels bad.
Notice how long it takes to subside when you just allow it to be there and you don’t fight it. Urges typically dissipate quickly when we don’t fight it.
It is a lot like how a parent deals with a toddler throwing a fit. Mom acknowledges what’s happening but knows that giving in will only reinforce the behavior and make it worse next time.
Mom doesn’t yell at the toddler or shame him for having the desire. She just firmly but with compassion let’s the toddler know they won’t be getting what they want. And mom lets the fit run its course without adding to the drama by arguing with the toddler or giving in to his demands.
You have to let your higher brain “parent” your lower brain.
It will feel awkward at first and it may be hard to stay in “allowing mode” rather than “resistance mode.” But the more you practice the easier it gets.
Extinguishing the Urge
[20:28]
The repetition of wanting and getting the object of our desire is what created the urge and strengthened it over time. The repetition of allowing the desire to be present without reward it is what will weaken the intensity of the desire and eventually extinguish it.
100 Allowed Urges
[21:17]
A good exercise to do is to keep track of your allowed urges. My coach instructor, Brooke Castillo, recommends we keep a list of 100 Allowed Urges.
I keep mine related to my desire to overeat on a note in the notes app on my phone. When I experience a craving, I go through the process of allowing it. I jot down in my note the details about the trigger (where I was, what I wanted and why). I also note how long it took for the urge to dissipate.
If I happen to give in to a temptation, I don’t beat myself up. I just assess with compassion and curiosity why i wasn’t willing to experience the discomfort of allowing the urge to be present without rewarding it.
As my own coach says, “You’re either winning or learning.” And even if you give in to the urge, if you process why you’ll learn something that will help you allow it next time.
DON’T AVOID TRIGGERS
[22:45]
You may be used to avoiding the situations that tend to trigger a craving. For example, when dieting, you’re usually told to purge your house of all tempting treats.
However, with this approach there is no need to avoid your triggers. In fact, I invite you to embrace each urge as an opportunity to allow it and thereby weaken it. Each urge gets you one step closer to extinguishing the craving for good.
And the more you practice, the better you’ll get at allowing the desire to be there and not giving in to it.
YOU’VE GOT THIS!
[23:20]
So, the next time you’re faced with a temptation and that urge wells up in you, you now know what to do.
You’re going to acknowledge what you’re feeling is totally normal. You will process what you’re thinking and feeling; try to run some Models if you can so you can address the underlying need to buffer the thoughts and feelings that surface for you.
Remind yourself that what you’re experiencing is a conditioned response and it will subside soon if you don’t resist it. Just sit with it like a parent sits with a tantrum throwing toddler. Don’t give in, but don’t further agitate either. Have compassion but don’t get caught up in the drama.
And remember, every urge you allow without responding and giving in will weaken the neural pathway and make it that much easier to allow it next time. Eventually, you will not even have the urge when faced with what is now a temptation.
The Coach’s Corner
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Next Week: Grow Beyond Childish Ways
Next time, we will be addressing how to activate and live more from our emotional adult self. We will be learning the practical “how to” of, as the apostle Paul says, “put our childish ways behind us”.
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